My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.