My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
You Might Also Like
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian