My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: