My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
A family that plays together cheats.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.