my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.