my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
That eye roll….
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
A wise man once said nothing.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Stop sending me this shit.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”