My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
That’s incredible! 👌
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis