My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.