@SCbchbum When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
@Greg_1_Leg My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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@SCbchbum 
@joeldanger My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
@TheTweetOfGod I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
@Home_Halfway Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
@jdotduncan Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
@panmidwest ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
@Shariv67 When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
@SamGirlSunday Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
@noog Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:
1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.
@sophielou My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer