My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.


My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.


I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.


Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually


Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”


Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.


My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer