my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns