My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.