My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.