My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Well well well…
I hate when that happens.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…