My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The Punning Dead.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference