My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
He died doing what he loved: being alive
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work