@benedictsred

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@Roysenotes

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

@deardilettante

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@nevernicethings

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

@iwearaonesie

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

@ThRealBallsDeep

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*