My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable


girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share


A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.


Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*