My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite