“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
and now we wait
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I think I’ll stand
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Cheers Twitter.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs