my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.