My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.