My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Tastes like chicken.