My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose


me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for


Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun


“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain


As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.


ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.


“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”