My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
lol
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.