My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.