My Plans 2020
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
It was worth a shot 😂
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
water it, i dare you
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.