My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you