My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
🚲+physics = winner
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house