My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit