My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.