My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
what day is it?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan