My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.