My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Flock of bats
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.