my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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Raisins are grape jerky.
The news in a nutshell.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Grandmother clock.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread