My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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Autocorrect is my menesis
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Spider-cat: No One Home
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly