My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times