My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Buck naked
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.