My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?