my professor scared me for a second
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*3.5 thank you very much.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Lube but for my dry humor.