My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.