Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Growing up was a huge mistake

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes