My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.