My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.