my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
So creative 😂
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂