My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.