My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.