My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
FRED: right
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
the #horror is real!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.