My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Spring of Deception
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”