@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

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@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@PaulyPeligroso

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

@aferalintellect

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

@zachreinert0

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@Alisialynne

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.