My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here


Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol


Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain


Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.


INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”


Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)


Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus


DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool


TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin