My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.


[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.


You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.


A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice


Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.