My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever