My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You Might Also Like
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?