[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!