My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“You’d better run, egg!”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”