My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You Might Also Like
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”